Can't say "fierce" without saying "fear"

Can you tell from the title that I've watched eight episodes of America's Next Top Model today?

As I said in my last post, I've had time for a few things today, television, writing, and thinking (of mostly good thoughts). Reflections of the past get to me, but there's one thing in particular that stood out to me...

A few weeks back, Dad told a good family friend that I had been accepted into Vanderbilt School of Nursing, and at the last minute, I withdrew from the program. This family friend's reaction was, "Oh, she must have gotten scared." 

Yes, I was accepted into both Johns Hopkins University's and Vanderbilt Univerity's nursing programs. Both of these schools are elite and provide top-notch nursing education. Yes, my husband and I moved to Nashville, Tennessee, partially because I was going to attend Vanderbilt University. Yes, at the last minute, after attending orientation and enrollment, I withdrew from Vanderbilt and gave up on Nursing. And, yes, I was scared.

I was scared of paying over $100,000 to study a field that I believe has been corrupted by our government, by greed, and by the extreme amount of lawsuits people press against medical professionals. I was scared to pay over $100,000 to go into a field that I wasn't 100% was my "calling" (if there is such a thing). I was scared to devote the rest of my life to a career--because I would have to to pay off student loans--where I wasn't sure my talents would be utilized in the best way possible. I was scared of becoming a part of the problem. I was scared of creating a poor medical experience for my patients like the one I went through with my grandmother, like the one I went through with my knee injury, and like the many poor experiences people have seeking healthcare. I was scared of wasting two years of my life in school studying a field I wasn't sure about. I was scared of becoming a part of the problem.

I know that every person who becomes a doctor is primarily in the business to make peoples' lives better. Doctors, nurses, EMTs, paramedics, occupational therapists, physical therapists, medical assistants/secretaries, and all of the other people working in hospitals and clinics aren't inherently bad people. It's a bad system. If you want to argue with me, please try. I sure do need my faith in healthcare restored. I digress.

I'll readily admit that I was scared. But, it took a great deal more courage to withdraw from a very prestigious school after I had already moved 15 hours away from home than to continue on the narrow path that would surely lead to secure employment with great pay. Now I am afraid for different reasons.

I'm afraid to pursue my passion for writing, knowing that it may not lead to the most cushy lifestyle. I'm afraid to apply to another graduate school, having just backed out of one. I'm afraid to move again. I'm afraid to chase curiosity not knowing where it will take my husband and myself. 

I'm pretty sure it was John Wayne who said "Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." So here I am, saddling up for what is sure to be a crazy ride.