The Bachelor Life!

Don't let the title fool you....

I am not happy to come home to an empty apartment surrounded by people who I would be scared to know. They seem scary, anti-social, and crazy. I go to work where the other interns are people I talk to and try and learn about. I go to class and get to know more about my classmates. However, I am in a group of 3 married women and they really like to work intertwined on problems but help me when I'm lost (which is most of the time). This can all be done while I am married by the way...

This is my new cubicle, the three screens ARE NOT overkill.

I have one really great friend by the name of Josh that I hang out with on the weekends. He helps me keep my sanity on those days. I have a few other friends but they are pretty busy now. I'll keep you updated. :)

The strongest player in my interactions is, of course, Kelsie. We talk for at least an hour a day, on the phone or video chat, and text the rest of the time. My work is very rigid in confidentiality so talking on the phone is a bit of a "no-no" but I still do it for little spurts after everyone is going home. So we talk mostly in the evenings.

I miss them more than I could have ever imagined...

Also, about work, I love the work that I am doing for LBMC, PC or Lattimore, Black, Morgan, & Cain. My work involves mostly closely held organizations, but that is all I think I am allowed to post. I wish I could tell you all the cool things that I am doing day-by-day.

Accounting? Taxes? Cool?....

Crazy? Yeah, I am a little bit.

Typically, I go to work because I am averaging about 55 hours/week over the busy season. It has been slow the past few days for me, but today I got a 6 hour budget tax return. Hopefully I finish it tomorrow.

When I am not at work, doing things on the tax side, I am working to do things on book side of business through my Advanced Financial Reporting Class!!!!!!

*Everyone leaves page*

Now that only a handful of you are still with me, I will just say that I am going to learn about all those disclosures that no one reads when then they read financial data of any sort.

Other than all of that!.....I make some pretty darn good food for myself.

Spicy Chicky-Chicky Parm-Parm....or Chicken Parmesan with Spicy Sausage Tomato Sauce.
Pretty cheap, I might add. 

I also had a lot of time in the house because I was trapped for a while....by snow....in Nashville.

6"-7" of snow, 30 minutes of digging, you could finally tell that it was Kelsie's car.
(not gonna complain too much-the East got it way worse)

I was informed that a snow only happens like this to Nashville about every.....8-12 years. Should have bought the Powerball ticket, I guess. (which was mostly won in Tennessee, btw)


I did the escape game.....which IS THE CRAZIEST THING EVER!!!!!!

I love it because it involves the best things that I like to do:

• Solve complicated riddles
• Scavenger hunts
• Finding hidden things that are of value to your mission
• Trap doors
• Secret passages
• Time Pressure (but the ability to be successful is attainable)
• Technological effects that are awesome

All packed in one room that makes you feel like you're in a real-life scenario = the best $28 ever spent. I didn't have to pay for the first one because LBMC did.

Josh and I did the second one with 4 other people and we barely made it out with 1 second to spare!!

But it has a pass rate of 26%, so I was happy. We did our first one with 5 minutes to spare at a 40% pass rate with my co-workers.

Now, see? Staying around past the accounting hullabaloo can get you something exciting!

 

Proof I made it out twice in "The Heist" and "Classified" at the East Iris location

We did end up getting the car Kelsie talked about in the last post. It is a 2013 Malibu that is gray. It should be a nice car and I hope we made a wise purchase. Brian usually does pretty well at providing good cars for a good price. :)

Lastly,
I just wanted to say that I am thankful have each and every one of the people who have been saying prayers for all of us, especially Tucker. We have had miracles-a-plenty because God has been watching over us. All on Christmas night. Hopefully now He can work through us to help Tucker get through this tough process. We are lucky to have the support team that we do.

I am also thankful for the wonderful gift Kelsie got me!!!!!!! LOOK!

Excuse the messy table, but that is the Catholic prayer for Grace, hanging.
It is in front of a photograph Kelsie masterfully took in Colorado.
We are trying to find a nice, strong, wooden frame for it.
It will make a nice supper ritual in our future home.

I hope this gives a little insight on my life in Music City.

Thank you for reading.

Colorful Colorado, made a little brighter

Thursday started out abnormally... 

Yes, I actually did dishes BY HAND so the sink would be clean when I returned.

It was rainy and cold outside, so I put on my new pink headband.

(Selfie time)

Walked to class across the dreary campus.

Then I went to class. My teacher let me out of my last class so I could start the drive a little sooner.

Remember how I said I was starting a lifestyle diet? Well, I had to take a break from the food part of that while traveling. I finally was able to make the nine-hour drive to Craig Hospital in Denver to see Tucker... and of course, the trip had to start out with a waffle cone sundae from Sonic.

Of course I immediately regretted it.

So Papi and I rode in a food coma from Stillwater, to Wichita, to Salina, to Hays (where we almost paid $1.94 for gas), to Oakley, to my Gram's house, where I stayed the night. And yes, the food coma lasted that long. Good thing there's no legal blood sugar limit.

I got an early start the next morning and dropped Papi off at Savannah's house. Apparently her dog had been missing Papi, and her cat had been missing someone to terrorize. (Papi's afraid of cats.) Finally. Finally, I got left to Denver and made it there around two on Friday afternoon. 24 hours for a nine hour drive? Not bad.

Tucker wasn't in the best of moods when I first arrived because he was supposed to start therapy, which is apparently tedious. They make him do simple tasks (like pulling cones apart) that seem pointless to everybody but his doctors, who say those actions are healing his brain.

In the afternoon, he was in a much better mood. We talked about anything and everything. From making fun of Mom (sorry MeMaw) to high school friendships to girls to all of the silly things he said when he was staying in Swedish Medical Center.

Here's a gem. A couple of weeks ago he told us that there are three steps to doing well with the ladies:

1) Be a smoooooooth criminal.
2) Have a smooooth criminal name, like MC memestoodank.
3) Have a slight cough.

The last rule was a little too convenient considering he had a little cough at the time.

He also has an eyepatch now, which he referred to as the lid to a pudding cup... pudding will never be the same.

On a bright note, a little of his eyesight is coming back. It comes and goes, but at one point he opened his left eye and said that he could see me. I asked him if he could see what I was doing (I was waving my arms) and after a few moments he started waving his arms too. He can also usually tell when we've turned the lights on or off, and according to the retinal specialist that's a good sign. They may do surgery to remove some of the shrapnel and bone fragments behind his left eye if that will help him see better. Mom said that the "family planning" meeting is February first, so I guess that's when they'll be telling us what's coming up AC (after Craig).

In the midst of all of this, Ty and I began the car search. I've been borrowing a vehicle from my aunt, but the mechanic finally told us (about two weeks later) that he's going to declare Ty's car "totaled" due to frame damage. Sidenote: I finally realized how lucky I am to still be here. I kind of blew off the wreck as not a big deal, because I'm totally fine except for the fact that I had whiplash for a few days. I hit a cement embankment head on at 45 miles per hour on the interstate. The airbag didn't go off. I'm so lucky I was wearing my seatbelt, that I wasn't injured, and that I wasn't hit by another car after I lost control on the snow. I guess it took realizing that the car is useless now to appreciate how lucky I was.

Sidenote aside, we've been searching for a vehicle. So Brian showed us a car, and we'll see what develops. Hopefully soon Ty and I will buy our first car together as a married couple. (I feel so grown up. Yay, debt. haha)

Then, I made the final jaunt of my trip to Oklahoma. Fun fact: there is NO Verizon service between the Oklahoma line south of Dodge City to about half an hour outside of Stillwater. It made for a very lonesome drive, a wrong turn that made the trip an hour longer, and a very worried husband.

I left Denver around 9:30AM and I got back to Stillwater at 11:00PM. To top it off, I left my house key in Denver. I'm not a "smooth criminal" so I had to call a locksmith and pay 65 dollars. Still made better time than the way there.

My door was unlocked around 12 and I fell into bed around 1. Just in time for a "nap" and a shower before I had to go to class the next morning.

On my five-hour drive without phone service, I had so much time to think, and for me that's not always a good thing. I get to over-thinking, over-analyzing, and over-imagining which usually leads to a depressed mood and a bout of paranoia. Last night was a little different.

I thought about book ideas and things I could write about in my fiction books. I thought about how the heck I'm going to do all of my homework before I need to leave again on Thursday. I thought about when/how I'm going to send my books of to a publisher. I thought about Ty, and how different marriage is in reality than how I imagined it. I thought about Tucker and how nice it was to be able to see him again. I thought about all of the hours my mom's spending with him and how Dad's splitting his time between two towns hours away. I thought about how it really sucks to live in Western Kansas, so far from good healthcare. I thought about how I would write this blog.

Writing means so much to me, and it's grown to mean more than when I first started this blog. It was a hobby, something I did because I enjoyed it, but something I never thought I could make a living at. I still don't know if I can make a living at it. But I'm making a life of it. I'm making a life of thinking, sharing, and honestly discussing.

Life is so messy, and it's hard, and some days we wonder whether we're going to get through it at all. Where are those stories? Where are the people talking about crying yourself to sleep at night, or struggling to get up in the morning because you're so sad. Who talks about smelly feet and razor burn and acne? I want to be real, honest, transparent. Life isn't what it looks like on someone's Facebook page. Life is what we live every single day, in the privacy (and sometimes pain) of our own minds. I guess it's time we started talking about it.

Update on Tucker #4

In two days it will be a month since Tucker first had his injury. It's crazy to me to think how much things have changed since then. When we first found him I was wondering whether he would be with us the next second, and now I feel comfortable leaving for a week or two at a time and being fairly certain he'll still be here until I get back.

I just got to Craig Hospital midday yesterday, and Tucker was in a little grumpy mood. He had to go do some of his therapy, and we all know that getting better is a chore. After therapy though, he was in a great mood. We laughed, talked, made fun of Mom a little, and just generally had a good evening together.

Physically, he's improving so much. They're working with him in physical therapy, the swelling in his face has gone down (although there's still a lot of swelling), and the big news: he's been able to see a little bit! He hasn't been able to consistently see, and he can only see a teeeeennyy bit out of one eye, but it's better than nothing. He's been able to tell when the lights are on and off, too. I'm hoping that as his swelling goes down his eyesight will improve. There's a team of eye doctors working with him, so hopefully as the swelling goes down they'll be able to see if they can do anything to help his eyesight.

Still praying for him every day, and thanking God every day that Tuck's still with us. He's set to be at Craig for another three weeks and then we'll see where he goes from here. The staff at Craig is adamant about only focusing on his brain injury, and no one's mentioned hardly anything about what will happen after this. Time will tell.

Cleaning Out the Friends List

There is a fact that keeps me awake at night. It frustrates, scares, and relieves me. Okay, I don't like the suspense either, so here is this all powerful, scary fact: You can't do everything alone.

There you have it.

Sometimes, due to whatever limitations (time, money, will-power, whatever) I need help. And I hate it. If I could do everything completely on my own (except for make chocolate chip pancakes--Ty's way better at that) and never have to rely on or trust anyone else, I would be completely and totally happy and my world would be completely and totally in my control.

Ha. Like anything could ever be completely and totally in anyone's control. As far as I know, that's God's job, and he seems to do a pretty good job of it.

Okay, enough of all the jibber-jabber. I'll get to the point. Over the last few weeks, a lot has been out of my control, and I've needed help. From having the strength to support Tucker through all of this, moving to Stillwater from Denver/Sharon Springs/Wallace/Nashville/Manhattan, to starting grad school, to cleaning out the apartment Mom and Tucker shared, I've needed a lot of support.

I don't want to go all Jehovah's Witness on you, but I have to say this: I've never believed more in God than I have over he last few weeks. Through every second I've felt His presence, strength, and love, and I know I couldn't have made it through this without Him. I can't even begin to describe the countless miracles he's worked for Tucker and my family. Through every painful, terrifying, saddening moment, He's been my rock.

Leaving Tucker in the hospital was so hard. I know he's well taken care of by the doctors, nurses, techs, Mom (who's been with him every day since I left) and Dad (who's been with him almost as much). At the same time, it's hard not being there to sit by him and tell him how much I love him. It's excruciating not being able to look over at him and see that he's still alive, still breathing. I miss talking with him and getting caught up on TV shows with him. I'm tearing up just typing this. 

Starting grad school was hard. I've already got my days/times confused and accidentally missed a class... that I have with the professor who decides whether or not I get my assistantship next semester. Hopefully he'll understand. He was very helpful in getting me scheduled so I'll have four days off from school a week to travel to Denver. 

This weekend, another test. I offered to go to Manhattan and finish cleaning out Mom and Tuck's apartment because I'm the closest, and I have a few friends in town who I hoped would help. I texted two people: an old classmate (Derek), and my first college room mate, Madison. Like the wonderful people they are, they both immediately agreed to do whatever they could to help.

A little back story: Madison and I met on this social networking site for K-State students looking for room mates, and I swear it was like dating. We had the nervous first "meeting," talked for a few months before trying anything, and we were both trying to work up the courage to ask each other to live together. Luckily, Madison had some lady-balls and asked me. We were only room mates for six months before Ty and I moved in together, but it was a great six months! :)

Anyway, it was looking like it was going to be a horrible weekend. About an hour into the trip, Papi--who never gets carsick--starts vomiting. So I pull over and have to clean up sick-smelling doggy barf in below-freezing weather. Of course, shortly after I finish cleaning that up and get to driving 65 mph he starts barfing again... Needless to say, I'm hoping I can get the vehicle I borrowed smelling better before I return it.

Poor, sick Papi.

Then, the apartment was locked, so I had to hang out in the pukey car until the landlord came by to unlock the apartment for me.

In retrospect, I'm not sure an excuse not

to clean was such a terrible thing.

Derek met me in Manhattan after he got off of work on Friday, which is amazing considering he works in construction doing hard labor. We got started cleaning and made a good dent in the apartment. Cleaning wears me out, so I needed FOOD. We went to IHOP, and he paid. Grr. I even tried the whole "my husband's going to get mad about another man buying me dinner" card, but it didn't work.

Also, in an act of supreme kindness,

he left some B-E-A-utiful selfies

on my phone... 

I'd been planning on sleeping in the apartment, and had even brought an air mattress and blankets, but Derek said I could stay at the house he shares with some room mates. I got to thinking that it might be hard to sleep in the place where Ty and I used to live with Tucker and decided to take him up on the offer. Long story short, a nice room mate of his gave up his room and slept on the couch so I could have a room to myself. 

We got up bright and early (8:30 AM) the next morning and started cleaning. 

I wore my gram's bright tie-dye shirt.

I think she was onto something with

the bright colors.

Derek had to leave for a prior engagement and Madison (who'd worked a 2-10 the night before) came to help just before he left. I think we spent about half the time cleaning and half the time catching up on everything we'd missed since we'd seen each other last.

I feel like this quote applies to these two gems. 

We went out for lunch at Chilis, came back and cleaned some more, and then agreed to meet up later to go out on the town AKA Aggieville. Derek agreed to come too. The plan was to have a couple of beers, relax, and do some swing dancing.

But this quote is also startlingly accurate.

As is this one. I'll have you know that I only almost-face planted 

three times while attempting to swing dance. And I have to admit

that Madison and Derek are a lot better dancers than I am. Pre- 

and post-wine.

After a few hours of marching around Aggieville, we decided it was time to go home and we walked in 0 degree weather to Madison's house. After nearly losing a cell phone to the toilet, and sliding down some stairs (everyone's okay!) we played some cards and went to bed. It was one of the funnest nights I've had in a long time, and I definitely needed it.

Madison and me. Fun fact: we didn't take 

a picture together for the whole six months

we were room mates. Had to make up for

some lost time.

Madison and Derek. So thankful for these two.

After far too little sleep, we got up, got some McDonald's breakfast, and I went to mass. Ironically, mass was about the wedding at Cana where Jesus turned the water into wine. The priest gave a nice homily about how Jesus's love is always more than enough.

I went to the apartment after that to do some last-minute cleaning, and Derek came to pick up his cleaning supplies that he'd generously loaned for the job. I looked around the apartment one last time, and officially said goodbye to that part of my life.

Life is constantly changing and a new chapter of life has began for all of my family. Our priorities are different, our future plans are different, our outlooks on life are different, our lives are different.

So we're obviously getting near the end of this post, and you're probably wondering about the title. Well, there's two reasons for that. 1) Because I thought it'd make people read this. (sorry not sorry ;) and 2) Because we need to think twice about burning bridges. Myself especially. You might be thinking that it's liberating to clear people out of your life, but think again. What are they going through? Are they going to need you? Will you need them? Because who knows, someday you might be asking some version of "Who's going to help me clean out this apartment?"

This "daily odd compliment" isn't so odd after all.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. Papi's doing better.

The UN-Steal

Mastered the UN-steal tonight... It's when you accidentally take something from the store, then sneak back inside to return it... Winning.

From student graduate to graduate student

Do you remember that scene in Finding Nemo? It's where we first meet Nemo. He's unbelievably excited to attend his first day of school. So much so that he pummels his dad (Marlin) awake and somehow gets stuck in a tube. Don't remember? Here's a refresher:

If I try and look back on the first time I was ever that excited for school, it would have to be before I started school. Before preschool. Pre-preschool if you will. And don't get me wrong, I really did enjoy school up until fifth grade. (Yech, the awkward years.) And I guess in some ways I still enjoy school. 

I enjoyed it enough to get a bachelors degree, and it must not have been so horrible because I've applied and been accepted to several masters programs. Heck, I even took one of them up on the offer!

It's been quite a while though since I've had a true "first day." Actually, it's been almost two years. I was in the Czech Republic, starting a study abroad program at the Czech University of Life Sciences. Now, two years later, I'm at it again.

Tuesday was my first day of classes at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater Oklahoma. I'm starting a masters of science program in Agricultural Communications. This semester, I'm taking eight credit hours (Media Ethics, New Media, and Statistics) and working part time as an assistant to a professor. I'll be helping teach a class, and also writing some research articles. Fortunately, I've scheduled my classes so they are all on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

Over the last few days, there has been a lot of "new" in my life. New home, new city to name a couple. I was shown my new work space (a small office I share with five other graduate students) with my "new" personal Mac computer, with my new computer programs (Adobe, Microsoft.. you know, the works), a new campus to figure out, new professors, new graduate students to meet, and new classes to take.

I don't think I realized how difficult this would be until I was sitting in my first class. It was Media Ethics, with about ten other students and I was "this" close to a panic attack. If you've been reading my blog, you know how much I love meeting new people. Starting the class didn't help because the professor walked through every. single. tiny. little. thing. we would ever have to do for the rest of the semester. Needless to say, I was more than a little overwhelmed. (So what do I do? I write a blog post. Naturally.)

I had another class on Tuesday called New Media, and it sounds like a lot of work, but it sounds interesting. We'll be talking about social networking, building a brand online, and learning how to interview people. Since I've been interviewing women and writing about them for another project, that should be a great asset. 

I'm helping to TA a professional development class that takes place on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that's what I'm hanging around campus for between 2:30 and 3:30 now. Plus, I have to figure out how the heck to work a Mac. I'll keep you posted on that because I feel like it might be a struggle.

The other graduate students in the office with me seem really nice. I've already been invited to watch the Bachelor on Monday nights, and exchanged a couple phone numbers. Here's to hoping I'll make some lifelong friends with these lovely ladies. :)

On Wednesday, I attended my most-feared class: elementary statistics. I feel like the name is a little oxymoronic because there is nothing "elementary" about statistics. Admittedly, the first class was easy, but we'll see how the semester develops. I was a little miffed because right before class I went to the student union to buy my book (that the instructor posted online that we needed) and in class she said we don't need that version of the book--that we could use an older (and $100 cheaper) version of the book for the class... guess who's going to the bookstore later to return the book.

On a brighter note, I've already discovered my favorite place on campus. It's a series of ponds with a walking trail and some very lively geese. It kind of reminds me of the pond in the middle of campus at Czech University of Life Sciences. Makes me miss it.

The hardest part about being a grad student is not being in Denver with Tucker. For two weeks, I slept in the hospital room next to him, helped him play It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix, and bought him Arby's. Now, I'm nine hours away and I feel totally powerless to help at all. I'm glad I have four-day-weekends to make the trip there to help. People keep telling me I'm in the right place, and maybe physically I am, but my mind and heart are split between Tucker in Denver and Ty in Nashville. All I can do, though, is keep praying and hope they know how much I love them. 

Overall, it's been a long week, and it's not even Friday yet. Hopefully I'll be able to relax at home and take a nice long nap... I'm sure Papi will appreciate a cuddle buddy. 

Knoblock Party

There are so many things in life that are hard to believe: how bees can fly, why earthquakes happen, and how it's already been six months since Ty and I moved to Nashville. That's right. (1) August (2) September (3) October (4) November (5) December (6) January.

Six months ago I was struggling to decide whether or not to spend upwards of $100,000 to pursue an advanced degree in nursing. Now, I'm sitting in a small office with five other graduate students, taking classes for a masters in Ag Communications and wishing more than anything that I was in Denver.

Over the last few days, I've traveled from Denver, to Sharon Springs, to Manhattan, to the ultimate destination of Stillwater, Oklahoma. Classes were set to start on January 11th, and with Tucker still in the hospital, my moving date was pushed back to January 10th. Dad left Denver with me so we could take Ty's car to the body shop in Sharon Springs. (Had a wreck the day after Christmas at 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm okay, but the car isn't!)

From there, we went to my grandma's house so I could get some of her furniture to use in my new home. My godfather, Derek, agreed to help us, and that night, we drove two vehicles (my grandma's borrowed explorer, and Dad's mechanically challenged pickup with a uhaul trailer in tow) another five hours to Manhattan, Kansas to begin the arduous task of cleaning out the apartment that my mom and Tucker shared. Somewhere between moving furniture and packing up their home, we decided we were as ready as we could ever be and left for Stillwater.

At five o'clock Sunday night, I met with my landlord's agent and stepped my new home for the first time.

It's an apartment in a house that had been split into two apartments. My half of the house is a split level

with two bedrooms upstairs

(excuse the mess)

and a living room,

 kitchen, dining room,

bathroom,

 and (drumroll please) a WASHER AND DRYER downstairs.

It's an old house in Oklahoma, so obviously there are some cracks and stains and whatnot, but there's new carpet and tile, and overall I think it's a very nice place to be able to call my own. Also, the extra closet space helps.

(one of FOUR closets in the house!)

:) My only complaint is that I've already made myself sore walking up and down the stairs, so I guess that's good for me.

Dad, Derek, David (Ty's Dad), and Kim (David's girlfriend), helped move everything into the home and do the initial clean with me. By the end of the night, we were all thoroughly wiped out. I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 8:30, so apparently I was nine hours tired.

David and Kim left Sunday night, but Dad and Derek stayed until the next morning--just long enough to hook up the washer and dryer for me, get a quick hug, and say goodbye. After that, I've been on my own--excluding Papi--trying to figure out this town and get my apartment set up.

Two days later it's still an absolute mess, but there are improvements being made. I've gotten internet set up, almost all of my laundry is washed, the bathroom is basically set up, and I've put some of the hangers in a closet. I'm hoping over time I can make it to where it's only a sort-of mess.

Me pre-shower, adding to the mess. haha

Of course Papi is making himself comfortable, so I'd say that the house is "Papi-approved."

 Papi and I are eagerly awaiting the day when Ty can join us, and we can make fun of him for living on Knoblock Street and have a Knoblock party.

Update on Tucker #3

Tucker's slowly taking the hard road of recovery. I can't imagine how it would be for a highly independent, introverted teenager to be constantly surrounded by people, have to have help for everything (using the restroom, getting food, turning on Netflix, changing, etc.), and not be able to see to orient himself.

As my grandma Hoss said, "We live in our minds." I can imagine that a mind would be hard place to be for an injured person. Sometimes he gets confused because of his lack of eyesight, wonky sleep schedule, and medications. 

On the bright side, he's also been in really good moods. Last night he informed Dad that to please a lady, you have to do three things. 1) Be a smooooth criminal. 2) Sing a smoooth criminal song. 3) Have a slight cough. (The last one's a little too convenient for Tucker's sake, but hey, I'll let it pass.) When he's in good moods we have great chats and he can be very loving. When he's in not so great of mood, it's hard for him to tell who's trying to help him and who's trying to hurt him.

Granted, everyone is trying to help him. (Some of the employees are better than others.) Some of the nurses, security guards, CNAs have been incredibly loving and give me hope in the human race. 

Because the wound was self-inflicted, there has to be a guard or CNA in the room with him to keep him safe. Last night, the guard ran back and forth to the "nourishment" room at least six times to get apple juice, jello, sandwiches, waters, coffees, and not just for Tucker, but for me also. Some of the nurses are the same way, and the same goes for some of the CNAs. Of course after two weeks here, we have our favorites. I keep hoping the "love of his life" will come back and help, because he really tries to be on good behavior for her.

I keep praying for so many things for him. Eyesight, peace, rest, pain-management, that he'll know how much we love him, that he'll feel God's love, that he'll have a good physical recovery, that he'll have a good mental recovery, that our family will be able to know how to help him best, that he'll cooperate with treatment, that God will guide the doctors'/nurses'/guards'/CNAs'/radiologists' hands, and more.

And miracles keep happening, so I'm definitely not going to say any definites about Tucker. Right now it looks like he may be blind, but Christmas night it looked like he wouldn't survive, and here we are, two weeks later, making plans for the future.

What the heck does "healthy" even mean?

Recent events have led me to reevaluate every portion of my life. Before all of this happened, I was ready to move to Stillwater, start life as a grad student/aspiring writer, and get in the best shape of my life. Now that it's seeming like Tucker's going to make it through this, I have to piece my life together as best I can, and make sure I'm living a good life that can lead myself and others to mental and physical health.

I went on my first diet at the end of my sophomore year in high school. I'd always been a little thick and more muscled than other girls my age, but when I stepped on the scale and saw that I weighed 181, I knew I wanted to lose weight.

Sophomore prom, right around 180 lbs.

I "successfully" lost weight and dropped down to a "healthier" weight of 161 at the lowest.
I looked thin, but I was obsessed about what I could or couldn't eat and spent the majority of my day thinking about what I would eat next.

Right around 165, after volleyball camp, before junior year.

I'd finally started to find some balance between my diet and fitness when I tore my ACL.

The brace did make for a good prop though.

I don't handle injuries well. By the end of the ordeal, I packed on all the weight I had lost and more. By the time my doctor cleared me for regular physical activity, I weighed 192 pounds.

Senior homecoming, right around 190lbs.

I didn't weigh myself over that six months, so I don't know whether that was my heaviest or not. I had a dream of competing in state weightlifting (since I'd broken 3 out of the 4 school records in the 165 weight class my junior year). So, I started dieting again. I did a little better about maintaining a healthy outlook, by eating healthy and just going for a 3 mile walk every evening. Six months later, I weighed 164 pounds and placed third at state weightlifting.

Here I am doing my absolute least favorite thing... in public. I weighed about 168 lbs here.

After that, I went to college and hovered around 175. I didn't diet hard, but I tried to work out at least a few times a week. It seemed like that was a healthy weight for my body.

My first/last/only picture with Willie. I weighed about 175.

Fast forward a year and a half and I returned from study abroad, sitting at 185 pounds.

It doesn't help when you have someone as handsome as Ty as your posing partner! (Weight is about 185.)

Also, the giant ice cream cones didn't help. #IIFYM

I started getting nervous, made resolutions with Ty to work out and get strong and healthy, so we signed up for a Crossfit membership.

I stayed around the same weight for my two months of Crossfit, but I got so much stronger. This is me around 184-188 lbs.

I loved Crossfit. It combined weightlifting, which I loved, and the competitive nature of high school sports, which I missed. Unfortunately, two months in, I sustained a back injury, which was only successfully diagnosed two months ago. A bulging disc. My back hurts almost all the time and it's taken all of my willpower to keep working out. I gained another ten pounds and now I'm sitting around 194--my heaviest weight ever.

I've gotta say... it's a pretty good looking 194 lbs. :)

I know I need to make some changes in order to be healthy. I realized one of the most important things in my life is to be able to do a cartwheel. (I know it sounds weird, but I explain it here.) So I'm trying to think about what healthy is to me. I'm trying to think about what I need to do to live well, so I'm making a list.

1. Start each day by sharing a cup of coffee with Jesus. Sure, I pray every night before bed and I send God a few prayers throughout the day, but I want to make scheduled dates with him other than on Sundays. I want to go to daily mass at least one day a week, and the other days of the week spend fifteen minutes in the morning getting to know Him better.
2. Let people know they are loved. After this whole deal, I've thought back to all my interactions with Tucker. It all boils down to one thought: Did he know how much I love him? Now the answer is "I think so" but in the future, if I'm ever wondering that question, I want it to be a resounding "yes." So every day, I will try to do something so someone in my life knows that someone cares about them.
   
3. Continue writing. Writing is a therapy and a passion for me. Writing time is not wasted time, so I want to know that I'm spending a couple of hours every other day doing something that makes me happy.
4. Exercise 3-4 times a week. Exercise benefits people in so many ways, and I need to invest in myself. My body is a temple, and I need to care for it as such.
   
5. Recreate my relationship with food. I hate depriving myself of anything. I need to treat "depriving" myself more like caring for myself so I can sustain whatever weight loss I have from living this healthier lifestyle.
   
6. Less Facebook, more face time. Facebook has been a way for me to feed my social anxiety and avoid meeting with people face to face. That's gotta change. On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, social contact with other human beings is incredibly important for happiness. In a new place it will be especially hard, but one of my favorite phrases is "life begins outside of your comfort zone." Well, life is in session.
7. Don't let school consume my life. As an undergrad, I was obsessed with building my resume. I had a 4.0, community involvement, leadership skills, and no life. This time around, I'm going to ease off of resume building, and focus on life building.

There are a few general things I want to keep in mind: having a loving heart, being slow to anger (I really need to work on that one), being patient, actively seeking out new adventures, keeping a grateful attitude, and fully recovering from my back injury.

So, great, I have these seven steps and moral goals, and sure, seven is a lucky number, but how is that supposed to affect my life? Well, I'm still myself, and that means that I'm going to write every single one of these things into my planner and check them off of my to-do list each day. In my perfect day I would be able to do all seven of those things, but I can't. There's not enough time and I don't want to burn out.

I'm going to have some of the items be every day things, and some every other day to work on keeping balance. I'll shop and meal prep once a week so I can make sure I'm giving myself healthy options. The additional benefit is that since I'm living on a grad student stipend, I'll need to pinch pennies wherever I can and meal prep will help. For exercise, I'll attend the group classes that the Oklahoma State University rec center offers to keep working out fun and interesting, and that can double as some face time.

This is my tentative fitness schedule. I'm planning to have a big poster in my home so I can check off items as I complete them, and so I can see how consistent I'm being with my goals.

A few weeks ago (I can't believe it's been that long) when Mom and I were talking with her personal trainer, he told us that it takes a year to make a fitness habit. After a year, it's a part of your life, and you're more likely to stick with it. 

Planning is going to be key. I'll stick with this loose layout for a month, and then once the month is over, I'll reevaluate my goals and how well the system is working. A month is long enough to get settled into the habit, and also long enough to decide what I need to tweak to make it better. 

It seems like everyone's trying to get healthy. There are so many posts all over social media of photo-shopped women with six-pack abs, and augmented breasts, and it's hard to realize that that's not really realistic and it's not always healthy, and most of them have dedicated their entire lives to diet and exercise for years.

There are so many opinions about healthy living, and so much of it is absolute crap. So many people say you have to eat organic to be healthy. Research has proven that organic food isn't any healthier than conventionally raised food. They warn against BST (bovine growth hormone in dairy cattle that increases milk production) which our body processes as a protein and doesn't harm us at all. They warn against GMOs. The protein they engineer into corn comes from a bacteria that organic growers spray on their plants as a natural pesticide. Even the WHO claimed red meat is a carcinogen, without considering other dietary factors. (For example, a lot of red meat is grilled, and the char on the meat is a carcinogen.) The truth is, we know more about how to create a healthy, balanced diet for pigs than people. 

Crazy, we know.

The best thing we can do is eat foods in a good balance (protein, carbs, and fats), stay active, and stay mentally healthy. Learning about myself and what works has been a lifelong system of trial and error, so hopefully this is getting me on a better track.