I had this post all planed out two weeks ago: I was going to take a weekend away from Nashville, stay in a hotel by myself, spend time in nature, and say goodbye to my cell phone, computers, and television for 48 hours. The post was going to be titled "How to Connect by Disconnecting" and it was going to be an insightful look at how we can form a deeper connection with ourselves and the world around us by unplugging.
After a 36 hour jaunt to Knoxville, I realized that is not the case. At all.
At 10:00 Saturday morning, I went online to book my hotel. I found a small room in a Microtel on the outskirts of Knoxville for half price on Expedia.com. Then, I went to Google Maps, and printed out directions from our apartment to the hotel.
"What are you doing for directions while you're there?" Ty asked me.
What was I planning on doing for directions? I wondered. I was just planning on showing up and asking locals for directions,,, because that always works out well.
Ty convinced me to take his car and GPS so that I could find my way around. By 11:00 I had amended my plans only slightly: I could use GPS over the weekend so I wouldn't get lost.
At 11:30 Ty helped me pack my bags. We packed me a spare outfit for hiking the next day, a cell phone charger (just in case), my laptop (just in case), and my laptop charger (just in case), and my camera, another exception I allowed, so I could document my technology-less trip.
When I was prepared as could be, Ty helped me load my bag into his car, and I sped off toward Knoxville.
At 12:30, I turned off my cell phone.
At 1:00, I wished I could turn it back on.
You see, the drive from Nashville to Knoxville is actually quite scenic this time of year. Their are tall hills covered in thin-trunked trees decorated with leaves of every color. The interstate is two-laned and winding so no ten minutes of driving ever looks the same. Sometimes there are breaks in the forests and you can look out over vast hills covered in green grass and dotted with black, white, and red cattle.
I wished that I could have my cell phone to snap pictures of these beautiful sights while driving by. If I would have had my cell phone, I would have sent the image off in a group text to my three siblings, my parents, and Ty. Dakota and Dad probably wouldn't have replied. Mom would have texted: "Jealous!" Savanna(h) would have sent a weird selfie, and Ty probably would have sent me something sweet.
This time I was alone.
I still hadn't had lunch yet, so when I stopped to get some gas, I didn't look for the nearest Sonic, but instead bought a bottle of water, deciding it was better to wait until I got to Knoxville instead of wasting time wandering around.
After three hours of driving and singing country songs with the radio I arrived at my hotel, checked into my room, and felt even more alone. I couldn't call anyone to let them know I made it. My silence would have to be enough to let them know I was okay.
My stomach was growling at this point, and I almost ordered in pizza so I didn't have to drive around looking for a restaurant. In the spirit of trying something new, I decided to go explore the town. At the second stoplight I came to, I saw a man holding up a cardboard sign reading: "NEED FOOD." He wasn't asking for money or a ride, but people kept speeding on by.
For whatever reason, I rolled down my window and said, "Hey, if you meet me at the CVS I'll buy you some food."
He looked at me and said, "Is it okay if I send my old lady?"
I've never understood why people call their wives "Old Lady" but I don't think of it as a term of endearment. Semantics aside, I said "sure" and made my way to the CVS across the street.
I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting, when I saw this overweight woman in old clothes with black hair dye stains on her hairline walking towards me. She didn't make eye contact with me for longer than a couple of seconds, but was quick to thank me. She smelled like cigarette smoke.
We walked through the store picking some some essentials while we talked.
"We're not homeless," she said. "We get enough money from my husband's disability check to pay rent and utilities, but we just don't have enough money to pay for all the food and diapers we need. We have two girls, and I'm pregnant... Well it was twins, but I lost one."
I apologized for her loss.
"It's okay," she said, "but my doctor told me I couldn't keep working. I was working, but when I lost the one baby he said that I was in a high-risk pregnancy. But my work said they'll take me back once I have this baby."
"Good," I said.
I didn't really know what else to say, so we continued walking through the store. I couldn't imagine what it would be like as a mother of two, with one baby on the way, to be asking strangers to buy food for me... how humbling that must be.
"Do you mind me asking what your husband's disability is?" I asked.
"He can't read or write," she said. "I've been tryin' to teach him, but it's hard."
I nodded. I can barely stand Ty telling me anything about accounting, and I could imagine how frustrating it would be to learn to read and write.
"Did he go to school?" I asked.
"Until the tenth grade," she said.
This puzzled me. How on earth could someone get to the tenth grade without being able to read or write? Most kids by the third or fourth grade can read or write enough to fulfill most entry-level jobs. Honestly, I kind of thought she was full of bologna. What person gets to 10th grade and can't read or write?
When I talked to Ty about it later, he said that happens in lots of inner-city schools. They will push difficult kids through the system even though they can't meet all the standards. And this infuriates me! Yes, students have a duty to learn, but educators and administrators have a duty to protect and fight for a child's education. I wondered how many people wrote this man off as a lost cause, or as a delinquent, or what kind of home life he had... did they know he would be on the side of the road someday? Did they know he would have a wife and children someday?
His "old lady" and I went through checkout and I handed her the bags of groceries.
"I know it's not everything you need," I said, "but I hope it helps."
"We appreciate it so much," she said. "Thank you."
She walked across the street to where her husband was standing on the median. He took a couple of bags from her and they walked back across the road.
I don't know where they were going, or whether he could actually read and write, or if they had children, or what their story is... Reminisce has taught me that every person has a story, and that we shouldn't be so quick to judge. I just feel sad for them, and I hope that they are happy... and if not I hope that they can be happy someday.
I drove off still hungry, and I finally found a restaurant. I ate by myself, and then decided I wanted to find the University of Tennessee-Knoxville and walk around. I was hoping to myself that I could fall in love with Knoxville like I did with Stillwater, but once I got there, it looked just like Nashville. There was a Mellow Mushroom on one side of the street, road construction, and similar restaurants on the other.
Overwhelmed and lonely, I drove back to my hotel and took a nap.
Since it was Halloween night, and I was by myself, I decided to go to a Country Dance Club. I thought it would be nice to socialize with actual humans, drink a beer or two, and maybe even get some swing dancing in!
When I got there, the guy checking IDs at the door almost didn't let me in. It went something like this:
Him: *takes my card, flips it over, rubs his finger over it like he's trying to rub something off of it, tilts it back and forth in the light*
Me: It's not a fake.
Him: *silently fiddling with my card*
Me: Do I not look like I'm 21?
Him: *still fiddling with my card* It's not that. It just looks weird.
Me: Because I'm from Kansas.
Him: *hands it to the guy sitting beside him*
Guy sitting beside him: *looks at it for two seconds* It looks good to me. I'd take it.
Me: *Walks inside and promptly orders a drink just to spite him*
With a drink in my hand, I went and sat at one of the available seats. Since it was Halloween, lots of people were dressed up, but I felt totally exposed. Not because I wasn't wearing a costume, but because I didn't have my cellphone.
It seemed like everyone there was getting on their phones, especially people their by themselves. It didn't seem like anyone was interested in making conversation with someone new. So I sat and watched people mingle and drank my beer. Then I stood, and watched people dance, and drank my beer.
I danced a couple of the group dances, but other than that stayed off the dance floor. Some guy asked me to dance, but midway to the dance floor he ditched me and started making out with some girl dressed as a fairy... I think she must have been a fairy god mother because I definitely dodged a bullet. Then another guy asked me to dance. After one dance, I decided it was time to go back to the hotel.
On the way back to the car, I had a huge spurt of panic: What if something happened in my family and no one could get ahold of me? I didn't tell anyone the hotel I was staying at, I wasn't at the hotel anyway, and no one really had a way of reaching me with my phone off. What if someone called me with their dying breaths and all they got was a voicemail?
I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's what I was thinking. So I turned my phone on, and listened to Ty deliver devastating news about someone in our family. We talked on the phone for a bit, and then we said goodnight. I set my phone on the nightstand, but didn't turn it off.
The next morning, I got up and ate breakfast. The people in the dining room of the hotel were on their computers taking advantage of the free wifi. I sat by myself, enjoyed a breakfast of biscuits, gravy, eggs and sausage, then went back upstairs to pack.
On the drive home I wasn't really sure where I should stop... So I eventually took an interstate exit with a brown sign indicating a dam. Five minutes later I was approaching a great pond creating by a cement damn, surrounded by layers upon layers of multi-colored trees.
I drove up to an overlook and looked out at the damn. I tried to take some pictures of the trees but I couldn't capture how stunning it was in person.
After a few minutes of gazing at my surroundings I found a trail to follow. It looked like not a lot of people took the time to walk it as it was littered with freshly fallen leaves. The only drawback of this was the fact that about every few feet I walked into a spiderweb... My skin is still crawling.
At last I got back to my car and drove closer to the dam. I sat by the water for a little while thinking about life and love... I'll spare you the retelling of my disjointed pondering. :)
Finally, I was on my way home. When I got home, I picked up my phone and texted Ty. He'd had plans to study at the school library, so I asked him when he would be home... and then I waited.
I didn't feel a rush of insight, I didn't feel enlightened, I didn't feel connected. I felt tired and kind of sad. I don't think my life is too dependent on technology; I've done just fine before, spending weeks at Gram's house without cell phone service or internet... What I do feel dependent on is the way I can connect to others using this technology.
I remember my junior year, as a punishment, my parents took away my cell phone. I know this sounds silly, but that was one of the saddest times of my life. None of my friends could call me, and if anyone came up with spontaneous plans over the weekend, I was left out because they'd also cancelled the internet. Maybe last weekend just brought up memories and feelings of that time...
I guess I don't know. But next time I think to myself that people should be reading a book instead of texting or talking on the phone, I'm going to think again that maybe they are forging a meaningful relationship and developing a feeling of connection... after all... Ty and I talked on the phone for the first six months of our relationship, and look how that worked out.
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